Wisdom

Today in Sunday school, we discussed wisdom. The questions I keep rolling in my head are all over the board. Do I see wisdom everyday? Is it Godly wisdom or secular wisdom? Is the advice I give to others "wisdom" or is it just advice? Do I do things and act a certain way in tough situations because I am displaying wisdom or because i am mirroring the way my parents would have behaved in a similar situation? when I offer advice and wisdom, where does it come from? My selfish heart? Or is it words and thoughts given to me from the Lord? And the biggie - do I offer advice/opinion when only a smile, listening ears, and a silent mouth is needed? I think that question stings the most.

I'm afraid I DO say things when I should just listen and offer a hug. I'm afraid that I sometimes don't give advice or wisdom. Instead, I snap and flat out go off the deep end on my opinion. Or worst - I comment on a situation I really don't know enough about to comment. There is no such thing as "wisdom" in that situation. Just foolishness. And look like a fool I do.

Do I see/seek wisdom everyday? Sometimes yes. Sometimes no. I read a lot of different blogs by like-minded Christian bloggers. I seek wisdom from their writings. But do I SEE wisdom everyday? I think so. Well, at least a few times a week. I work with great people. What they have taught me by watching their triumphs and failures are things I'll never forget. When situations arise (work, home, family, friends), my husband can blow me away with his words of wisdom. Same is true for my friends. They are so dear to me. They offer wisdom and love. If they disagree, they tell me. If they see it differently, they tell me. But everything they say is all out of love and wisdom as we help each other become better people and Christians.

My mother is amazing. (if you know her you know I'm not lying.) What she has taught me is laced with wisdom and love. But her wisdom isn't always advice spoken in words. She teaches by displaying wisdom in how she lives and reacts to life situations (even down to the ordinary situations like getting a cake out of a pan). My dad was the same way. He LIVED out wisdom. I only hope to have a fraction of the wisdom they displayed.

But what about wisdom? How can I have that wisdom my parents have? I hate to learn by mistakes I have made. That is the worst to me - to learn from a bad experience. BUT I learn so much from my mistakes. I would love to have more wisdom. More importantly, I would like to live a life full of more wisdom. Feeling foolish and acting a fool are not the ways I desire to live. I want to live a life displaying wisdom. If I don't live using the wisdom i have gained, when I offer a nugget of advice someone told me, then I look like a fool. If I say "be kind to your spouse" but I don't do the same, then my nugget of wisdom is void.

As badly as I desire wisdom, I'm scared of what will happen if I pray for wisdom. If you pray for patience, you are usually taught patience through a trial. If I pray for wisdom, I don't want to be taught wisdom through a mistake or bad experience. And believe it or not, I'm becoming more and more scared to say things in public because of the ramifications that come with it. I don't want people to think I'm perfect because they will be greatly disappointed when they really get to know me. I don't want people to think I've got it together because I'm 5-10 seconds away from a complete meltdown/crying fit (you know - the ugly kind where you can't catch your breathe and your face is covered with a mascara/snot/ tear mixture?) I say things I regret all.the.time.

I'm one of those that is constantly telling the devil to back up and go away because he taunts me horribly. I keep telling myself that I am loved and forgiven by the One so Satan can hush with his lies of how I am never going to be good enough for our awesome God. The devil just loves to bring up my past mistakes. Then I lay in bed feeling guilty for something I said 10 years ago. (seriously - TEN years ago. Not exaggerating.) It's exhausting really to fight this devil so much. It seems the closer I get to the Lords feet, the tougher things become. The more I seek the Word, the more I am taunted by the devil. They more I write from my heart on this blog, the more I fight the voices in my head. The more I stick it out there with words, the more ridiculous/crazy/screwed up I feel. So then I think i shouldn't write anymore only to feel like I'm letting the devil win again. Like I said - it is exhausting...

So lets say God grants me more wisdom. I'm thinking he will want me to use it. And I'm not sure I can do that. I know - that's selfish and Displaying a lack of trust, but I'm scared of the yuck that comes with putting yourself out there. This devil fighting is tough stuff. But I'm working on that.

But seriously, Did you catch that?!? I typed that "I'm working on that". Again - foolishness. "I" can't fix me. It isn't possible. Only the Lord can change my heart and make me new. I can try, but "I" will always come up short. "I" can't fight the devil and win. Only He can.

I read this week that "God doesn't make a bad person good; he makes a lost person alive." I desire to be "alive". I desire to have a crazy love for Jesus Christ. I desire wisdom that only God can give. It's time to relinquish my fears of trials and tribulations, and trust the One. Trust that He has given me the wisdom I have. It's time to listen to His voice instead of mine. It's time to grow. It's time to tell satan to go away and get out of my head. It's time to be "alive".