Random Thoughts

Some days, I am the most insecure person I know. Period. Other days, I fake it until I make it.

I say things in Sunday School class that I firmly believe. Only to lay in bed at "Sunday nap time" and re-hash every word I spoke. I dissect the words and thoughts until I am about sick with regret wishing I hadn't said it "like that" or wishing I had worded it "this way". It is simply ridiculous. And heaven forbid someone see who I really am! The horror! They will know (and no longer suspect) that I am a complete wreck. (and those of you who know me - you know I like parentheses and you know I am a complete wreck that worries way to much over things I can't control. None of this is new to you.)

I write things on this blog and then later wonder if I should have pressed "publish". (the 7-day challenge reference and blog post ring a bell??)

Everything I write has truth to it. I truly mean everything I say at that moment. I try not to publish anything unless my  motives are pure. I try to publish only what I feel I should post and the good Lord wants me to. Not what I want others to read.

I comment in girls night bible study and then think later "seriously - was that comment necessary?!? Did it even contribute to the lesson?? You old dork - they will think you are stupid or a BIG ole sinner!" Well - guess what - I am a big ole sinner. (Gasp!)

Jonathan Acuff posted this to Facebook this morning:

 “Am I not more powerful than regret?” The question God asks me when I’m afraid to take a risk I might regret.

How about that?? Hit me right where I needed it - between the eyes.

Now my insecure self is rolling out questions like Alex Trebek says questions on Jeopardy- "in the Questioning myself category we have "Do I say things because I want others to hear it? Or do I comment and say what He wants me to say because someone else needs to hear it?? Do I regret what I say because it is of the flesh instead of from the Spirit??"

"Alex, I'll take One Crazy Lady for $100 please." (sigh)

And maybe I'm not suppose to know. Maybe this is where my faith and trust in Him comes to play. Maybe this is where "self-control" comes in so I only comment when directed to and keep my big mouth shut unless I'm told to open it.

And maybe I should feel a little uncomfortable when I say or post something I am suppose to but don't want to.  Maybe someone needs to read/hear those thoughts. And even though it is out of my comfort zone, I should do it anyway - because I am suppose to.

So, Alex, the answer is.... "I just don't know."

I don't know if I say things because I want others to hear it or because I think He wants me to say because someone else needs to hear it.

I don't know if I regret what I say because it is of the flesh instead of from the Spirit.

But I do feel like I need to continue with the blog thing. Then I think "but I can't write. It's just my thoughts. I'm a sinner saved by grace. My hair is flat. I'm fat and ugly."

Not sure where fat and ugly come into play, but that's just how my insecurity works.

Like I said - I am the most insecure person I know. Period. Other days, I fake it until I make it.

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And just a funny - when I went to Bible Gateway to get a verse, this was the verse for the day:

““Ah, Sovereign LORD, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you.” Jeremiah 32:17 NIV

My first thought was "whoever wrote this never met my head."