Specifically Random

I have been toying with the idea of writing more. Heck - I've written pages the last few weeks only to delete them because they were to personal or I wasn't willing to share what I was/am going through.

The last year has been a whirlwind for me personally. Looking back over my previous writings makes we want to be THAT person again. I want to get back to Jesus. I have learned SO much the last year. Would I like to repeat this year? Some parts - sure! But the rest can stay in the past. I have learned - boy have I learned. I have hurt. I have cried. I have prayed. I have mourned over a door slamming shut when I had no clue there was even a door there. But yet - I have laughed. Hard. I have loved. Hard. I have sang. Loud. I have weeped that soul cleaning cry that only the Lord knows what it's for. I have tickled and played and enjoyed my husband and kids. 

When your heart gets broken by a source you never expected, it HURTS. It is painful and yuck and flat out awful. While I have loved hard this year, I left my heart open to be slaughtered. I don't know how to love with out leaving my heart open. Do you? If so - well aren't you precious.... I don't know how. So the last few months have been a healing process. And i swear - healing is sometimes more painful than the actually injury. I've been mad. I've been physically sick. I've been so broken. I've also cried that healing cry. I've mourned what I thought a situation WAS and am learning to accept what it IS. I'm sssllllooowwwwllllyyy learning that little ole me can't change anyone. Period. I can influence and lead someone to the source of change. But actually change someone?? Nope. I didn't get that superpower in the good Lord's creation room. 

It's tough. The waiting. The "being still". It is so so so tough. I want to see change now. I want relationships to be reconciled now. I want to change my bad habits now. I want to plant a garden today and pick cucumbers tomorrow. And that simply isn't how life works. There is a process of fertilization, growth, pruning, picking, weeding, etc. Depending on the crop - the process could be short or long... 

I want a good crop. So I'm guessing that is why my growing process is taking so long... HA! I'm a rare flower. (insert eye roll)  I'm ready to bloom.